I was walking my dog Fritz and heard a voice call my name, I looked around and saw my yoga teacher waving to me from her car, she was in the final process of moving the last few things out of her house in our neighborhood and relocating down south. I had enjoyed the private lessons, the one on one time, the stretching and the peace yoga had brought to me. As I stood there talking with her about her new home, the area, her excitement and her concerns, I felt a melancholy come over me. For some reason I shifted into the old patterns of complaining, talking about me and my woes and going on about much but saying very little of anything good and uplifting. My yoga teacher shifted her attention to me and listened, although I could tell she was in a hurry to return to her new house and get it in order, yet she listened to me, right there in the middle of the road, as I was carrying on.
We finally said our good-byes and I waved to her as she drove down the street. The sun was warm and the sky was blue as I continued my walk towards my house. I thought back on our conversation and wondered what came over me. As evening set in, my thoughts became intense and I felt stupid about everything I had said. Why had I not just listened to her? Why was I always falling back into that same old pattern of insecurity, aloneness and self-pity? Why was I not able to overcome this pattern and be ‘normal?’ These thoughts increased as bedtime came and I tossed for several hours with thoughts of humiliation, anger, frustration and complete embarrassment.
I felt I had not improved at all over the years, just a few feelings of insecurity and bam! I was right back to my youth, feeling afraid and wondering why I was alive.
My upbringing was not a fun one at all and I understand there are many in this world that have gone through worse than I have, but there are also many, many people who have not gone through the horrible experiences I have. The scars run deep. I have spent a significant amount of time in my life in counseling, reading self-help books, taking self-improvement classes and just plain mimicking what other say and do who seem more ‘normal’ than me. All of it has really helped me and I am much happier, successful and able to be around people and not be bashful, silly and insecure. But today, the feelings of hurt, vulnerable, stupid and insecure swirled around and through me.
As night crept on, sleep had completely evaded me. I felt angry with myself for having been so foolish as to think I had anything to say. Why was I not able to just keep my mouth shut and listen? Why must I go through these scenarios over and over again and still not come out having mastered these fears and insecurities? All these questions raced in my head all night long. I tossed and turned trying to find sleep, but it would not come. I lay awake staring at the ceiling and said to myself, “So you feel you made a mistake, get over it.” Then a smile came to my face and I felt a little relief of the self-beating I was giving myself. Then the thought came to me, “my yoga teacher probably never thought twice about anything I had said because her mind was on getting home and finishing up her new house.” I laughed out loud and rolled over but still no sleep came. I got up and walked around the house and a flash back of my life came to my mind. At the age of eleven or twelve I recalled having feelings of wanting more out of my situation in life. As I got older I wanted to be like all my friends and move on with my life but I did not know how to go about it. As I look forward, seeing where I have come from, where I am now and all the desires I have for my future, I realized I was just fine.
I babbled on and made the same mistakes of feeling inadequate - so what! I am on the road of improvement and I am still in the process of making my journey of life the best I can. I have a dream to stay on a pathway that leads me to a better understanding of all I have witnessed and lived through. It is my unique journey, my path of life and I can and will continue to better myself, to be more aware of who I am, what I say, how I say things and to whom I am saying it.
We all learn from one another. Some days I am right on target and feel so good about my progress in life. Other days I feel out of sorts and wish a rock would fall on me and bury me. This is called life and bad things can happen, very, very bad things can happen to us, but good things can happen too. Sometimes we feel we have no more energy or strength to continue, but then the strength comes and we move forward on our journey a little further.
Remember, you are truly not alone!
